RandomMuch

I remember  the day I saw Interview with a Vampire.  I had a fascination with werewolves, vampires, Frankenstein, the mummy, and such since I was a kid.  Somehow I had managed to convince my two best friends to go see it, mostly because nothing else was playing.  I remember how the threesome sitting in front of us were clearly from out of town.  They had big backpacks with them and spoke primarily in a foreign language.  But the thing I remember most was that they smelled of Doritos and dirt.  This will make sense later.  We walked out and all my buddies could talk about was how gay the movie was.  And I tried my best to defend it, but the fact of the matter was, it truly was an awful movie.  Since then I have blamed Anne Rice for bastardizing the vampire genre.  And now, more so than ever.  In no way to do I associate Anne Rice with true Goth, but this is the only analogy I could think of… If, BIG if, Anne Rice is the Goth of vampires, then Stephanie Meyer’s vampires are the silly little Emo children of the Goths.  Let’s review New Moon shall we?

The good:  Werewolves.  That’s it.  The only thing that made this movie, even remotely watchable for me was knowing that there would be werewolves.  It’s still a shame that they came at the cost of seeing guys walk around shirtless for 2 hours.  I am trying to be unbiased about this series, but I can’t find anything I like about it.

The bad:  Where to begin?  I sat watching the movie, and as spy-like as I could, I made notes to write about later.  I could write about how Edward’s first appearance was the obligatory slo-mo sexy walk from his expensive vehicle.  How he has to regurgitate the cheesiest wannabe Shakespeare lines when he speaks to Bella.  Or how fake Jacob’s hair looked.  How about how Edward is obsessed with “protecting” Bella, then decides to not only break up with her but he does it in the middle of the woods, where he leaves her to fend for herself.  Here’s one, how about how they managed to make the vampires look even gayer in this movie than the first.  But in the end, most, if not all, of those things are probably me nitpicking because of the fact that I hate how women have complained and whined for years how shallow men are.  And then, as soon as they start having movies and books made for them, they are filled with buff shirtless guys walking around obsessed with treating women like princesses, and all while maintaining their babyfaced looks with product and tweezers.  But putting that all aside, this movie offers nothing but a fantasy for teenage girls.  The series revolves around a whiny little girl that does not deserve one nice guy, much less two chasing after her like puppies.  She even has a dad that never gets upset at her, lets her do what she wants, then jokes about grounding her when she really messes up.  What I truly find disturbing is how Bella is ridiculously in love with the most confused and confusing guy on the planet, while treating another guy like total crap.  This series is the handbook for how young ladies can be shallow women and still get what they want without actually deserving it.

I am actually grateful that they referenced Romeo and Juliet.  That, to me, is the perfect example of how true love has become romanticized into something false and unattainable.  Rome and Juliet were nothing more than adolescents rebelling against their parents wishes by insisting on a relationship with the wrong person.  They were in no way, shape or form capable of knowing what true love is, but yet were willing to die for it.  They knew each other less time than I’ve had my new Reebok shoes and I’m not sure how I feel about them.  Plain and simply, this movie stank worse than those foreigners watching Interview with a Vampire.  I can sum up the series so far for you real quick.

Here’s Twilight

Edward: Bella, we can’t be together.

Bella: Yes we can Edward.

Repeat about ten times.

Edward: This is for the best.  *leaves*

Bella pouts.

Jacob: Bella, I’m here for you when you need me.

Some one wants to kill Bella.  Edward comes back into the picture, Bella pushes Jacob aside, and the silliness continues.

Here’s New Moon

See Twilight.

There you go.  You’re caught up.

If I want caring vampires, I’ll stick to Buffy.  I’ll even watch another Anne Rice adaptation with quasi-appreciation before I go see another Twilight movie.  But being the loving husband I am, I’ll probably give in like I did for this one, when my wife drags me to the next one.  LoL

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AC